"When historians look back upon the 20th Century, it will not
be dark matter, nor worm holes, nor even theories of space-time
that will be remembered. It will be, first and foremost, the
discovery of the Sloth Field."
- Richard Killian, MIT physicist and author of "Sloth, Moules, and
You"
We live in a complex society. As we look inward, closer, into
more and more minute spaces, we see even smaller complexities,
and entire new worlds to explore. As human beings, we scrutinize,
we analyze, we take apart and pick apart each and every seperate
piece in search of an answer. But as one draws back, the complexities
mesh together; the chaos forms into a suprisingly intricate ordered
pattern. Back and back and further back still one may journey,
until the universe is but a small spheroid of space. In the end,
one realizes that there is really very little to reality. Very
little seems to be happening... in fact, nothing interesting for
tens of millions of years. Could it be that universal history is
slowing to a grinding halt?
It seems that, as time goes on, less and less occurs on the overall
perspective of things. Since the Beginning (defined as "Zero" time,
or the moment just before the universe spontaneously expanded from
an infinitely small, infinitely dense portion of Space), or the
"Big Bang", the average temperature of the universe has decreased;
mass per square lightyear of space becomes less dense and occurs
less often; and attraction between objects further and further
apart lessens, becoming weaker and weaker. Obviously, something
is causing this to happen. This something is tangible, is measurable,
and is very real. This something is, in fact, the
Universal Sloth Field.
Many have heard of magnetic fields, gravitational fields,
and so forth. But the existence of the Universal Sloth Field is something
only
recently theorized and yet it seems to be the most powerful of all forces
in the universe known to humankind - perhaps more powerful than all other
forces COMBINED. Although the Sloth
Field is apparently a non-physical force, it is
possible to measure it with the highly sensitive Mouleograph, a machine built
at the Massachusettes Institute of Technology in the Spring of 1994. The
Mouleograph, using a fluxuating stream of alternating Fririan particles, can
read traces of the Sloth field ranging from normal (5 to 6 Moules) to below
normal (.87 is the lowest reading so far, when Michigan State student Diana
Herriman visited the project in July 1994) to unusually high (the Mouleograph
cannot measure concentrations of Sloth higher than 500 Moules). Utilizing the
capabilities of this fantastic piece of machinery, research teams at MIT have
begun to explore the effects of the Sloth Field locally in the United States,
as well as on a planetary level and, in theory, on a universal, all-encompassing level.
The first experiment with the Mouleograph were with local phenomenon at MIT.
These experiments showed that each body of mass in the universe, no matter
how small or "insignificant", contribute to both a local, or "personal"
Sloth Field, and also to the overall "Universal" Sloth Field. At first,
scientists theorized that only large bodies of mass (and only those with an
organic base) could sustain and emit Sloth. However, after more study,
experiments show that ALL OBJECTS have the capability of being affected by
Sloth, and each and every particle in the universe contributes to the
Universal Sloth Field in one way or another. Here is a brief description
of the first few experiments conducted by the Mouleograph at MIT.
EXPERIMENT ONE: R. J. Beatrice.
A gentleman from Boston, labeled "R. J. Beatrice" for the purposes
of this report, was renowned in many circles for his infamous ability to do
nothing. He did very little, in fact: he held no steady job; no form of
income whatsoever; no hobbies or crafts to speak of. He lived in a small
apartment complex and could usually be found there sitting in his plush
armchair watching T.V. ("Seinfeld" was his favorite show). During the odd
times when Mr. Beatrice actually left his domicile, he traveled
downtown to the numorous cafes and coffeehouses, where he sat alone at his
favorite tables and read Erving Goffman's "Stigma and Social Identity" (which,
although he has been seen with that text since its release in the late
Sixties, has yet to finish it). He talked very seldom, and usually only in
low grunts and growls. In effect, he was the perfect choice for Experiment
One.
From May 18, 1994 to June 8, 1994, the researchers at MIT attached a remote
transmitter to Mr. Beatrice's right forearm, instructing him never to remove
it. Using the remote transmitter, Mr. Beatrice's Moule reading was measured
constantly through a twenty-two day trial. With the exception of June 4 (when
the transmitter temporarily ceased to function due to moisture penetration),
the Mouleograph catalogued Mr. Beatrice's movements with respect to his Moule
reading. The results were placed on a graph and then analyzed, comparing the
subject's readings with his actions at a given moment and the corresponding
reading of the Earth's Sloth Field. The results were baffling.
EXPERIMENT ONE: Results.
Experiment One, along with subsequent trials with other subjects and Mr.
Beatrice himself, have yielded strange theories about the power of
Sloth and inherent Moule readings.
Researchers at the
Mouleograph Lab at MIT found that there does seem to be a correlation between
one's actions and one's innate Moule reading: for example, when, in
Experiment One, Mr. Beatrice was sitting in his apartment watching
"Seinfeld" on his television, his Moule reading was generally high (the
average being 20.6 Moules). When shuffling about his apartment, Mr.
Beatrice's reading would decrease a few points, especially when he prepared
for a walk on the town. One could easily hypothesize this beforehand, but
other data did not seem to correlate as one would think:
when Mr. Beatrice read Erving Goffman's "Stigma and Social Identity", his
Moule reading went not down but stayed about the same (about 19 Moules).
Later experiments with other subjects (such as the senior researcher himself)
showed that reading decreases one's Moule reading to abnormally low levels
(such as 4.3 or even 3.8 Moules). Why this did not occur in Experiment One is
unknown; perhaps this may shed light upon why, after almost 30 years, R. J.
Beatrice has yet to actually finish Erving Goffman's sociology text.
The most interesting discovery occurred during periods of sleep. One would
normally believe that sleep would increase one's Moule reading to record
levels. This, however, was not the
case. Instead, various
subjects in MIT's many subsequent experiments showed that Mouleograph readings
were highest just BEFORE a subject fell asleep, and then decreased with
time, fluxuating somtimes two to three points until the subject awoke,
whereupon the Moule reading jumped suddenly and then levelled to normal. What
these periods of sleep mean are unknown. An extensive project to study this
strange occurance is currently underway.
The results of this and other experiments have given us insight to the inner
workings of Sloth. Just as the Earth emenates its own Sloth Field, so
does each and every individual living (and non-living) thing have its own
individual Field,
measurable by the Mouleograph. The considered "norm" for Moule rating for
humans (around 6
Moules) varies from one person to another, apparently for no particular
reason. MIT researchers believe psychology to play a major role. But more
baffling is the force of Sloth itself. What are its effects on the human
body, the human persona, and the nation? Does a high
Moule reading ALWAYS have a negative effect? Do low Moule-rated individuals
suffer from abnormal levels of stress? What is the socio-economic impact of
these type of studies?
EXPERIMENT TWO: The Planetary Sloth Field.
After the initial results of Experiment One, research began to expand
into attempting to determine the effect of ambient Slothness on local animal
and plant life. Experiment Two was conducted by viewing the
behavior of airborne birds (being so removed from the minute residual
traces of the Sloth Field on ground level) by fixing a Mouleograph transmitter
and 360 degree camera atop a one hundred foot tower over the MIT Mouleograph
Research Center. The results of a two month study were not as conclusive as
Experiment One and its own subsequent studies, but just as interesting:
birds would spontaneously land in droves from their dizzying flights across
the city, alighting on lampposts or telephone wires when the localized Sloth
field would increase slightly (perhaps a tenth of a Moule). When the Sloth
Field would decrease to a normal level or below (.23 Moules), the birds would
take flight once again.
EXPERIMENT TWO: Results and Observations.
The Earth's local Sloth Field seems to have no particular plan as to where
concentrations exist in its sphere of force; MIT researchers have determined
that cities, towns, forests, et cetera exert their own localized Sloth Fields
autonomously. The Earth's Sloth Field seems to emenate from the planet
itself. It is highest at the poles and decreases as one reaches the equator.
But the actual power of the Earth's Sloth Field is so minute that it effects
larger mammals and creatures minimally. The only exception is the Three-Toed
Sloth of South America, which seems to be keenly attuned to changes in the
Earth's Sloth Field. Three-Toed Sloths studied in captivity appear to sleep
longer periods of time when the
Earth's Sloth Field is at a lower point than normal. Apparently the Sloth
Field, usually imposing a pacifying force upon living things, actually
imbues the Three and Two-Toed Sloth to move, live, and breathe. It has
been theorized
that without the ambient Sloth force surrounding our planet, the mammalian Sloths
would spontanteously cease to exist. More research on this subject is
underway.
"It is a Sloth's World... and we are all a part of it."
- The Unified Sloth Field Theory
As research on the Earth's Sloth Field continued, theorists attacked the
issue of the possibility of a all-encompassing, universal field. The
proven existence of the Sloth Field, taken to a universal level, certainly
would explain a number of incongruities and inconsistencies in various
universal models. The following is an arguement for the existence of a
Universal Sloth Field.
The Theory.
Everything is relative. Here on Earth, the digital age and mass
telecommunications are forcing a world once segmented to work as a unified
whole. Discoveries and technological advances occur now not once every
hundred years, but instead every year, every month, and perhaps even
on a weekly basis. As we as a society focus on smaller and smaller issues,
the overall picture is blurred and quite possibly vanishes, forgotten
altogether. This is the Universal Sloth Field at work. And its effects
are inherent in every move (or lack thereof) we make; in every second of the
day............
"Fast" Food. People are too "busy" to cook, prepare, or even clean after
their meals. They seem to be too lazy to take the time to grow, harvest,
and eat their own produce. They even get upset when the line at the
drive thru lasts longer than 5 minutes. Why does this laziness exist?
The Retail World. Why are workers constantly trying to get more for less?
Workers in retail sometimes even believe it to be "not worth their time"
to show up for a monthly (or even yearly) meeting because it is "inconvenient".
Employees line up at the time clock like cattle, babbling and lounging and
wasting time so that they can punch out just after the minute hand clicks one
notch forward so that they can be paid that one fraction of a dollar more.
In the 1700's it was okay to put a 14 year-old to work 10 hours a day. Now we
have "child labor" laws that allow these "young adults" to exist in an
abhorrent, actionless state. We even allow "study hall" as a class in High
School! Where is this all heading?
The Internet. What a better way of reducing our need to make an effort in
real communication with real people than to take on a completely new and
different identity, physical description, and birthdate and interact with
others who do the same! Forget about social nuances, gestures, eye
contact, and all that rot. Now we can talk to thousands of other people
without ever seeing the light of day, crouched unmoving behind a man-made
machine of plastic and metal and glass! You never need leave your cubicle
again!
Industrial Automation. We humans can't be content tightening screws or
crafting a long-lasting, quality instrument by hand. We instead build
machines to build OTHER machines! We have automated our lives so that
we could toil and do other things like data entry, drink coffee, eat
donuts made from 100% unnatural food sources, and answer questions from
stupid, ignorant people over the phone. We are always stressed, always
strung out, and constantly tired. Why? Think about it.
Credit Cards. It is completely possible that an agent of the Sloth Field,
working undercover, created this method of payment. How much more slothful
can you get? We can now in today's age receive goods and services for
nothing but the promise that we will work and pay it off at some point
down the road!
Do you see where we're getting at? The Sloth Field is more powerful than
ever, and on a Universal level. In fact, its rapid increase in the past few
thousand years would make it impossible for ancient animals to live in
today's society. Evolution has allowed our physical bodies to make do with
the rapid increase in Sloth ambient in the Earth's Sloth Field. Any
living thing unused to such a thing would probably shrivel up and spontaneously
decay. The Sloth Field would instantly force its body into an entirely
inert state. Quite obviously, the Sloth Field is the most powerful force in
the universe, capable of affecting even the most vast objects, no matter
what their action.
Univeral Sloth Field Theory and the Big Bang.
There was a time when the Sloth Field's existence itself was in jeopardy.
At the moment of the "Big Bang", the rate of creation and descruction of
matter was so great and so concentrated that Sloth could do very little.
But Sloth could not be denied: the universe expanded, cooled, and the
fast-moving particles began coupling, forming more complex particles and,
eventually, atoms. Since the very beginning, the Sloth Field has been
gaining strength, waiting for that moment when, at long last, the universe
will freeze in action and all things will lie in stasis for eternity.